shit person

O has recently taken to calling someone he thinks is a jerk a shit person. i'm not sure how to tell him his mom is one too. 

or has been. i have been a shit person. i have had affairs. i have lied. i have been a coward. i have disappeared. being a shit person might just be in me. it's not like i don't try - haven't tried - to not be a shit person. but i have been nonetheless. 

i'm sorry to everyone i have ever been a shit person to. i'm sorry for not knowing how to make things better, for not apologizing, or coming clean, or explaining why. for not being better. 

it's funny, realizing again and again how you haven't measured up to your own standards, let along somebody else's. i used to feel guilty about this. i guess part of me still does. but guilt doesn't really do anything except make you feel even shittier and in some ways feel like you're doing penance for the shit you did to become a shit person in the first place. so i've tried to make that feeling of guilt a signpost. don't do it again. remember this feeling and how it sucks and don't do it again. 

the problem i have now is that sometimes not repeating the same mistakes makes me feel like a shit person in other ways. like i haven't responded to someone else's needs or fallen short of their expectations of me. like i don't know how to continue in a relationship - friendship, acquaintanceship, whatever - once i feel that. 

i went back to the enneagram yesterday to see what it had to say. in reading over this blog - all the things i had forgotten about - i saw that i had once done the enneagram and landed on a 4. this time, i got a 2 or a 5. which is funny because they're different types entirely. heart vs head. 

without making excuses, this seems to be the crux of my shittiness - being caught between my heart and my head and not knowing how to find the middle ground. or maybe looking for a middle ground in the first place is the problem. maybe it's about commitment to one or the other. 

or maybe i'm just a shit person.