has it really been since august that i've not posted here? seems impossible that the time has cycled through so quickly and now here we are, almost at all hallow's and i've had nothing to say for myself.
weirder still that the thing that has me posting this morning is a dream i had last night, involving the seduction of a young boy. me seducing a kid. well, not a kid, exactly, more one of those boys from my bio class - these slim spiky-haired eighteen year olds. still more weird, the boy in question was asian, slight and reedy, with halting english. and he was afraid of snakes. but oddest of all: when j jumped frantically out of bed, having slept through her alarm clock, and shook me out of dreamworld, i was disappointed. i wanted to see where this thing would go, and i hadn't even gotten the poor guy's shirt off.
i won't even start asking what it means, but something in the dream i found sweet.
so of the quotidian: in a fit of boredom-induced googling, i found an old friend of mine who i haven't thought of in ages, and who, more than she knows, played a huge role in getting me to where i am today. or perhaps more accurately, who i am today. the first girl who ever held my hand, who ever in any way reciprocated that rampant crazy obsessive thing that falling in love can sometimes look like. she's in england now, with a husband and no kids, and a blog that is thankfully full of pictures. i haven't seen her since we were 19. she looks great. i debated sending her an email, posting a comment, but decided against it. might be the first time i've stopped for a minute and curbed the impulse to get in touch: what would we say to each other? what, after all these years, is there to say to each other? things ended badly. we stopped talking. or i stopped talking to her - i can't even remember why - i think it had something to do with my not being able to deal with what was starting to go on between us. but i suspect that my turning away from her was the first indication of my predilection for flight. at least that's how i think of it now that i'm trying to reform.
thanksgiving was lovely, thank you, though a little lonely. i think i posted a thanksgiving ramble last year and had much to say about nostalgia and fall and the like. it still to some degree applies, which makes me think it might be tagged to the weather rather than to any depth of feeling in me, but this year it was again just j and me, and another tofurkey. and i missed a community. i was wishing, i think, for that mythical circle of friends, of family, and found myself anxious about the possibility that this could be the new normal.
and i've started seeing an osteopath, which i think might be latin for body psychic. it was pretty cool - as j says, it's like they have eyes in their fingers. only got to the diagnostic part, where she told me of some oddities of posture - genetically, she said, i've inherited a pelvis that juts forward, a hip-first walk which i think might be what gets called my strut. and you thought it was all for show - it's in my bones man! what else. i've got a uterus that's tipped forward, and a hypermobile lumbar area (L3, 4, and 5 to be precise). but what convinced me to believe in her most was the way she laid her hands gently, so gently, on my temples and divined my sinus problems and allergies. that sealed it - as gratifying as it was to have all my other ills (the sore back, the stiff shoulders, the cricky wrists and finger joints) physically confirmed by someone else, it was her telling me what i hadn't revealed to her that made me an accolyte. i signed up, courtesy of maritime life.
and now off to work. today is lab test number 2 in bio. i've a feeling that nothing i studied actually took, so wish me luck.
soundtrack today: Woody Russell, Time to Go
1 comment:
je me souviens
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