i have a sneaking suspicion i've been overly optimistic about this new job of mine. i mean i like it better than my last one - don't get me wrong - but it's still sales. it's still trying to get people to notice us. it's still cold-calling and publicity and talking to authors who are way way smarter than me and often see the marketing of their damn books as beneath them. and then there's the money thing. there's the figuring out how to live on less money a month than just about all of my friends, and the arrogant part of me that thinks that just because i'm as smart than most of them, i should make as much (never mind, of course, that i don't WANT to do law and i've not the discipline or the personality for full time freelance). sigh. the maw of the house, too, stretching me at every turn and j and me incompatible on that front. she seemingly so much more comfortable with living on the edge of what we have, and spending into credit world. i've not, in the end, that much faith in us to make it back and can imagine us in a mountain of debt in a few years that we need a backhoe to get out of.
which is not really fair of me to say. she certainly does adjust her expectations, even as i know she wants to be other. had a conversation with susan the last time we saw each other about this - the different relationships we (who grew up in financial comfort) have with money than our partners (who grew up with none). anyway. i'm fussy still at j, which is annoying me no end since she's being very kind to me, and since i spent so much time missing her while she was away only to .. what? be bitchy at her once she comes home? that's mature...
anyhow, it's friday and i should hightail it to work and do some invoicing for freelance work and put a plea into my old boss for some more, cause this life i'm leading is costing more than i make. and that makes me anxious. and irritable
as does the fact that i met d. for lunch yesterday. and we still get along, and it still smarts to see her.
No comments:
Post a Comment